The abandonment of our partner in childhood or even in society itself, generates a wound that is not seen, but that one feels beating every day. Because it’s a torn root, a broken bond where our emotions and our security were once nurtured.
Now, there is one aspect that we must take into account: the abandonment is not only produced by a physical absence. The most common abandonment is that where emotional authenticity ceases to exist, where disinterest, apathy, and coldness appear. The perception of this void has no age, is something that every child will perceive and that, of course, comes to devastate any adult.
It is often said that to understand what it means to be abandoned, “one has to be abandoned”. However, it is something that nobody deserves, because with each absence we lose a part of ourselves, and no person must suffer such suffering.
The psychological implications derived from an early experience associated with abandonment are usually quite serious. Although each child faces the facts in a way, it is common for the trace of trauma to remain, and traumas are not cured by time, but rather by adequate coping.
Abandonment: adrift ships loaded with absences
The feeling of abandonment can take many forms. We transform ourselves into adrift boats when, for example, we lose our job and we can not find a way to return to the labor market. We are stranded, as lost is that child who at an early age is abandoned by his mother, or like that man who one day when arriving home, discovers an empty house and the absence of the woman he loved.
There is an interesting page called ” Abandonment.net ” where anyone who needs it can expose their personal experience related to abandonment. Many find it therapeutic to be able to share these experiences, but in most of these testimonies, it is perceived above all a trauma that occurred at very early ages: the death of the father or the mother, having an alcoholic parent or having grown up practically in loneliness…
The fact of suffering some type of abandonment in childhood is a determining factor. So much so, that experts say it’s like a second birth. If the first was painful but hopeful, the second involves having to ” be reborn” in a world where we do not feel loved, where we have to learn to use ourselves by suffering the rupture of that umbilical cord that united us to a heart, to emotions, to needs that had to be met.
Consequences associated with emotional abandonment
When talking about consequences associated with a traumatic psychological dimension, it is important to keep in mind that there is a lot of variabilities. Not all people assume and express pain in the same way. However, we could summarize it in the following way.
- Suffering abandonment in childhood often means having serious difficulties when establishing stable relationships in adulthood. It is common to distrust, feel vulnerable, go through periods of apathy, where it is very difficult to manage emotions such as anger or sadness.
- When a person suffers the abandonment of the couple or, why not, that of the society itself, it can even “sabotage itself”, for example, that it does not deserve to be happy or loved, that it has no aptitudes, that It is no longer worth fighting for your own dreams because there is nothing left to do.
- Codependency problems also appear, they need approval and recognition and, in turn, they give too much of themselves to others feeling that later, what is received is not the same as what was invested.
- In turn, it is common to suffer certain “emotional reminiscences”. Sometimes, something or someone reactivates their feelings of abandonment and their whole world is paralyzed again.
All these are traces of serious post-traumatic stress that must be managed.
How To Heal The Abandonment Wound
The wound of abandonment must be cured by paying special attention to self-esteem and, above all, being able to forgive, to free ourselves from that past as one cuts the thread of a very dark balloon and lets it go. Although obviously, that is a very difficult step to carry out.
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing ( EMDR ) therapy, for example, is often very useful in detecting and transforming childhood traumatic memories. It allows the person to free the mind, the body and open his heart to offer him adequate emotional relief.
In turn, experts in traumatic experiences suggest the importance of learning to communicate emotional needs. Through words, wounded people can connect with people in their environment who can help and support them, thus establishing safer relationships.
Something as essential as learning to take care of ourselves, to prioritize each day to disconnect ourselves little by little from anger and resentment, will allow us to stop being captives of the wounds of yesterday. Memory can not erase the sorrows of the past, but it can give them calmness and serenity as one who sees a river flow. Everything happens, and although the coldest and darkest stones remain at the bottom, the water runs clear and pure over them. We can start again…