Throughout my professional career, I have met many people, including health professionals, who believe that asexuality is a mental disorder because they consider that “normal” in people is to feel sexual attraction to others, regardless of sexual orientation. I mean, there’s a large percentage of people who think being asexual is being sick. For example, I once had a teacher who told me that an asexual person would never go to a sexologist because he has no sexuality. Regarding this, two important things:

  1. It’s not that we have sexuality, it’s that we’re sexuality. This is because since we are born until we die we are sexual beings. Sexuality is not like a garment, you wear it or you take it off when you feel like it. No one has sexuality because no one can get up one day and say, ” Oh, I don’t wear sexuality today,” but it’s something inherent in the species, whether we want it or not.
  2. Asexuality is a sexual orientation (such as heterosexuality, homosexuality or bisexuality) in which there is simply no object of desire.An asexual person does not have sexual attraction for other people but can feel romantic, aesthetic, platonic or intellectual attraction for someone, regardless of their sex or gender identity.

What Are The Reasons And Why Someone Can Be Asexual?

The reasons someone can be asexual are the same as they could be in any other sexual orientation. Asexuality is not chosen or learned or is a consequence of something special. It has nothing to do with rape or sexual abuse in childhood and abuse. We already know that sometimes people are a little loud and immediately think that everything that is not being heterosexual is being weird; the same reasons I have just ruled out belong to the typical comments that people often make about it and that obviously do not feel good.

Can An Asexual Feel Desire Without Having Sex With Someone?

Of course, yes and they make masturbation. It’s happened to all of us once, hasn’t it? We masturbate, we’re satisfied and we don’t need anyone else. Well, this is something that happens in asexual people as they can present libido or sexual impulse without the need to interact with someone.

Can An Asexual Have A Partner Or Have Sex?

Have A Partner Or Have Sex

Being asexual does not necessarily imply abstinence or celibacy, so yes, asexual people, if they wish, can have sex and enjoy it. The reason for enjoyment, in this case, is not the culmination of the desire towards the couple but that it can be subject to other factors such as physical or bodily sensations (the body responds to stimuli during the encounter, so the excitement or orgasm can also occur) and the emotional union they experience at those moments with their partner or see how the other person experiences pleasure among any other reason.

There are asexual people with partners who negotiate all aspects related to erotic encounters, such as the practices to be performed or the frequency (something we should all do, whether we are asexual or not). On the other hand, there are those who prefer to open the relationship unilaterally and that their non-asexual partner make sex with other people; and there is also the possibility that they may decide not to have a partner if the other person is not asexual, or directly not having a partner. There are many possibilities.

We can meet asexual people who even marry and have children. There are also couples in which one of the two is asexual and are not aware because of lack of knowledge, is often related to lack of sexual desire with a clinical diagnosis such as hypoactive sexual desire, some endocrine disorder and even, as I said above, with some kind of trauma from the past.

Yes, there are diagnoses that have these causes, but the problem is that asexual people do not feel comfortable under any of these labels because they do not consider having a clinical problem, given that their condition does not generate discomfort; the discomfort usually comes from not knowing what is happening to them because “they do not feel like others” or because they feel that they are having sex without desire.

3 types of asexuality:

  • Asexuality: We could say it’s pure asexuality.
  • Grey-asexuality: The person experiences sexual attraction sometimes, but with low sexual impulse, not wanting to practice it or on very few occasions.
  • Demi-sexuality: It could be defined as temporary asexuality. The person is asexual until he meets someone with whom he can create a strong emotional connection. At this point, sexual desire is ” activated ” exclusively towards this person with whom it has that emotional connection.

I Think I’m Asexual, What Do I Do?

Here are some practical tips:

  • Honesty with yourself and others. If you are ever attracted to someone in a romantic or emotional way, tell them what your perception of relationships is and what you think about sexual contact. If that person thinks he/she is going to be happy by your side considering this, you don’t have to have a problem. With this, we recall once again that the fundamental thing in a relationship is communication.
  • Do not agree to maintain sexual contact through social or partner pressure. If you don’t want, just say that you don’t want it. It’s no use sleeping with someone if you’re not gonna feel good afterward. There are things you don’t need to try to know you don’t like. In couples ‘ sexual relations in which one of the members is asexual, it is very necessary to work on consent and consensus.
  • Accept yourself as you are. It is understandable that living in such a hypersexualized society, you may feel that you are not integrated, but you are not an amoeba, anyone in the world can be asexual. In fact, it’s estimated that 1% of the population is, so you’re not alone.
  • If you still understand all this you feel distressed or you feel identified but you have doubts about what may be happening to you, go to a Psychologist specialized in sexology to help yourself to find the cause of your discomfort and emotional stability.
Graduated in Psychology from the Stanford University, with a Master's Degree in Child and Adolescent Clinical Psychopathology. Specialized in Neurodevelopment Disorders. Currently working as a child psychiatrist.

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