Unlike previous generations, today many young people have in common little interest in becoming independent or starting a new life away from the father’s nest. In short, they don’t want to leave the house anymore… for what? They find all the comforts with less responsibility.
As a result, parents must continue to cover the expenses of the house and children (especially when they do not get a job); in addition, the challenge arises to get along well and have a harmonious coexistence, as it is not the same to scold or give orders to children aged 9 or 10 years as to a young adult with more than 25 years!
If that wasn’t enough, when the children refuse to abandon their adolescence (to such a degree that they are defined as ” adultescents “), often the parents grow old faster, because they continue to be subjected to the pressure of finding the resources to maintain the rhythm of life of their descendants, and put in “pause” their own dreams of travel, to devote himself entirely to satisfy only your needs and enjoy without any obstacles of the couple.
What is Failure To Launch Syndrome?
According to researchers at the University of La Laguna in Santa Cruz de Tenerife (Spain), more and more young adults live as children, that is to say, because of different circumstances, they perpetuate coexistence with parents, a situation that hinders family dynamics and may even affect the marriage bond.
This situation has been given the name as Failure To Launch Syndrome.
Although the study was carried out in Spain, it is a problem that can also be seen in north american countries (Usa, canada and et cetera). Among the causes that favor the permanence of adult children in the paternal nest as follows:
- Lack of financial resources: Children do not get jobs and, without money, little can be done to move on. On the other hand, there are young adults who work, but the salary they receive is not enough to pay an income. They even sometimes become independent, but in the face of the difficult economic situation they face, they return home (they are the so-called boomerang children).
- Studies that never end: For the purpose of continuing to prepare and achieve master’s degrees, postgraduate degrees or any specialty, the children decide to continue “sheltered in the father’s nest” in order to be able to invest all their salary in greater academic preparation.
- Rejection of commitment: Among the obstacles to flying from the paternal nest , the resistance of young people to assume a commitment as a couple (marriage or free union), is one of the most powerful motives.
- Over-protective parents: “Why should I leave here if they solve everything for me?” that’s what many young people think. For their mind, they don’t have to change their minds, because their parents also want to keep having children to take care of.
- Difficulties in marriage: Although it seems difficult to understand, there are couples whose marital relationship has deteriorated over the years and they are accustomed to disagreements, discussions or separation as spouses, so they do anything to avoid being alone at home, for example, they take care and attention to the children so that they do not make the decision to become independent.
What to do when children don’t leave home?
Independent children generally have equally autonomous parents who have been able to give them strong roots, but also opportunities, experiences, values, and challenges that allow them to draw up their own life plan.
So if your child has not been a teenager for a long time, but can’t mature, maybe the time has come to recognize that as a mother (or father) you have played an important role in the problem and, in a certain way, you are responsible for the situation.
Adults who live as children often act that way because at home they have faced situations that they took as an example. However, it is possible to help your “adults” achieve their independence in order to improve family coexistence and, above all, to enjoy the stage of maturity that every marriage has the right to enjoy. How? Here are several tips:
- Create responsibilities: No matter if you have spent many years as” king or queen ” of the house, your son must have responsibilities and the obligation to fulfill them. As you see that easy life goes away (you no longer have clean, freshly ironed clothes, or food waiting for you at the table at any time), you will begin to act like a responsible adult.
- No more sponsors: When a young man discovers that the money to satisfy his hobbies is reduced or completely disappears, he is forced to look for work. Don’t feel guilty, it’s the best your son can do for his freedom!
- Rules in your house: Sometimes adults living with their parents have an interest in doing things in a certain way, but until he or she pays all the house expenses, you’re the one who sets the rules.
- Give him understanding, not pity: Your child may also be aware of the family’s plight and feel lonely, defeated, or angry. However, you do not help him if you express pity, because you send him the message that he is unable to move forward; on the contrary, he must know that he has all the knowledge to get a job or start life as a responsible adult.
- Guest treatment: Sometimes it’s hard to remember, but he or she who lives with you is still “adult”. One way to avoid conflicts at home and encourage them to seek their independence is to leave your role as “father” or “mother” and treat them as if it was someone renting a room at home (you can charge a rent, especially if you don’t know what to do if your child returns home). This will make your child uncomfortable living in that place and probably start searching for his or her own space.
Married couples with independent adult children are more likely to become couples who enjoy their mature years in full health, in greater privacy and in full freedom, satisfied that they have procreated responsible individuals and prepared to survive far from the parental nest with their own resources.